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Dear Zelda,
Medieval fair am tommorrow so me not asking queston then but now and am an now. Me am wanting to knowing if you am ever am wear Marth's tiara? Me am thinking that if you waring you am lloks pretty.
Mao get new TV,becausesing old one broke. Am send old one to Marth. Marth have more use for Mao's old TV than Mao or junkyard.
NOT THE BUNNIES AGAIN!!??!
Me am needing to attend a problems now. NOT THE GROIN!!!
Mao Tse-tung
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Dear Mao,
I'm extremely jealous of Marth's tiara. It looks so...stunningly beautiful compared to mine. Mine seems to just dull in comparison. So yes, from time to time he has caught me with his tiara on my head. I can't help it though! It's so pretty!!! I ask him all the time where he gets them, and he has yet to answer me. Mostly because he knows that the very next day, I'd have my servants out there searching. Damn him. I'm sure Marth would enjoy your old T.V. as well. He seems to take an interest in old items...sometimes he tries to spice them up and make them shiny as new. I don't know what interests him in broken things. Maybe it's just that hope to repair the once old and rusty.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Am I your cousin?
Amnesiac
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Dear Amnesiac,
Is this another sad attempt to get money from the Princess by claiming to be a relative?! No you cannot have my money! No you cannot live in my castle! I forbid it! I have no Aunts or Uncles! TOUGH LUCK FOR YOU BUDDY!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Ever seen Jay and Silent Bob strike back?
Don't get bumblefucked! Society's Cancer
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Dear Society's Cancer,
I haven't had the chance to really watch anything or get caught up with today's world and what entertains them. I've been too busy helping Ruto care for her father. Apparently he's ate some bad algea or something. That and Ganondorf always freezing him doesn't help his constant cold.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
When is Hylian mating season? I want to know when and how I can breed my very own pet Hylians, so I thought "What better place to ask than the princess of Hyrule? She must know everything!" so I want to know the mating season, and the average litter size. I want to know if the babies come out in litters like dogs, because they probably do.
The Zookeeper
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Dear Zookeeper,
What kind of sick joke is this?! HYLIAN BREEDING SEASON?! Who the hell are you zookeeper?! And why are you holding my precious Hylian's hostage?! That's so absurd! A Hylian bree-....hmm...I have this sudden urge to...go....find....Link!
hahahahaha
Zelda and Marth
Dear Zelda,
I need neosporin for my crotch! Johnny just kicked me there with a damn steel toed boot! Can I have some neosporin, or at least a cold ice pack?
Spike Mategi
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Dear Spike,
Well I'm sure you could get an ice pack for a wound like that. But I highly doubt that neosporin would really be good for such a...region of the body. Ask Link though, he knows a lot about crotch shots. Why do you think he wears a cup now?
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I've got termites! Get them off! Get them off!
I need an exterminator fast! Got a recomendation?
Majora's Mask
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Dear Majora's Mask,
I guess that kinda sucks. Such a demise for a grand mask of destruction. Sucks being made of wood eh?! HAHAHAHA!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I live again! Not even death could confine me! Does the rotting corpse filled with worms look go good with me?
Memnarch
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Dear Memnarch,
I would say that it suits you very well, Memnarch. I do have to ask how you died though. Was it a horrid and painful death? Or quick and efficient? Who was the one that finally put you to rest? I know this sounds morbid, but I have no other way to respond to such a letter. I would have to ask how your funeral went as well. Did you have a lot of lookers? Did you have a showing? Did you get buried in your hometown's cemetary?
Zelda
Dear Zelda:
Please let that poor man, Hockey Chicken go! He's suffered enough already!
A concerned fan
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Dear chicken lover,
I'm sorry but I cannot let your beloved Hockey Chicken go. We've already done away with him sadly. And what a meal he made! Fit for the whole kingdom I'd say. You guys must have really loved him, because he was rather tender and plum-....man? There was a man in that?!
Zelda
I've found you, precious one,
Come unto me my child. We will rule the wastes forever, and spread the swarm into all the reaches of the world. From the towering forests, to the islands afar, all shall be converted to our homeland. Embrace your heritage, and become that which you are. You didn't know I was still alive, did you? Nonetheless, I have returned, and with me the swarm, so that nothing will rule but the wastes and the swarm. Follow me to the darker side of things.
That is all.
Father
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Dear "Father",
Alright Ganondorf. I'm getting sick of you trying to pull -that- gag on me. For the last time, you're not going to pull me away to your side. And secondly, you're not my father you Star Wars fan FREAK! Cease these letters this instance or I'll show you how dark my dark side can get!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I can't believe I was such a fool. Please accept my apologies for the noodle incident.
Chef Boyardee
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Dear Chef,
By DIN it's actually you! I'm such a fan of yours Mr. Boyardee! Your spaghetti and meatballs are to the upmost best tasting noodles I've ever had the pleasure of sinking my teeth into! And by all means I didn't think you'd actually talk to me ever again after -that- incident. I mean I know there were a lot of noodles everywhere. But with how good YOUR noodles are, by all means it was no trouble at all! The whole kingdom was flooding the place with spoons and forks and plates. It actually turned into quite the feast!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor. What do you think?
Orange Dae
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Dear Orange Dae,
I would say that it's a good thing. Being a serial killer isn't exactly the best career field out there. I mean sure you'd end up getting free meals and a free place to stay. But the residents there aren't exactly the best "neighbors" to be around. This isn't exactly Mr. Roger's neighborhood at all. The manual labor. What do you mean? Carrying dead bodies into the backseat of your car too much for you? What kind of whimp are you anyway?! I demand you at least TEST your strengths and kill ONE guy and try to pull him into your car. I mean hell, if I can do it-.....
Zelda
Dear Timothy,
We found your spaceship when you hit the ground. How did you end up in this whole big mess?
Love, Mama
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Dear Mama,
Dreary me what do I say to something like this? I'm sorry ma'am but your letter has undoubtedly ended up in the wrong place. This isn't Timothy, nor are there any spaceships around this place. I am curious as to find out what kind of mess this Timothy is in.
Dear GOD they found my bottle rocket!
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
Fine, if you don't want Marth I'll take him, place him on a pedestal and cater to his every whim and need. I will get the best food, the best hair ppl, his own personal Tiara cleaner, video games, movies, computers, cars, many hot women to satisfied his...er, man needs, and much, much, more. Yes. Anything he wants.
Come on Marth, we're going!
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl. I'm sorry Marth, but Kenshin comes first so I may be a little busy. If you need anything though, just ask one of your other fans. They'll help you.)
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Dear Acco,
Just because I don't want Marth romantically doesn't mean he has to go away! Sure you could offer him all of that, but certainly he wouldn't take your offers! He's entirely too attached to the Hylian world!
NOOOOO!!! You can't take him away from me! NEVER! Not in a million years! I NEED HIM! HE'S MY LIFE! NOOOO!!!!
...
Zelda Marth and Link
Dear Zelda,
I have returned yet again! You have yet to bend to my will, foolish Mortal! I now have the Rock Belt, a magic belt that gives me all the powers of the 70's band Foreigner! Do you have Double Vision yet? Do you feel like a Dirty White Boy? Then my plan is working!
Tiamat, Lord of the wastes, King of darkness, Master of evil, Hound of the resurrection, Slayer of the innocent, Devourer of Souls, Overlord of the Undead, Destroyer of Empires, Nightmare to all, Demon of Chaos, Supreme Rock Master, Bringer of Misery, Plague of Fear, Butcher of Hylians, Murderer of Hippies
PS I'm not the Avatar of Woe anymore. Some Pansy threw me out of that position. Now I'm the Supreme Rock Master of Evil!
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Dear Tiamat,
HAHA! Thrown out of the Avatar of Woe are you?! You're no kind of evil doer! You can't even keep your titles! HAHAHA! You suck so much! And if you think your power of rock bands are going to scare me, I happen to have something on my side! King Zora happens to LOVE the old 70's rock bands. He'll absorb all your songs and turn them against you! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT HUH?! hahahaha! YOU LOSE!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
That was a great party! You brought disposable cloths, yay! During the pillow war you didn't seem to mind getting all naked and stuff, but I'm not exactly sure how you felt when she grabbed you by the shirt, and threw you, and you flew everywhere, and your cloths flew off. The peeping toms Link and Marth showed up again! We tied them to a tree, and make them eat 12 pounds of pickles again. Marth barfed because his stomach couldn't take the pickles. Volley ball every one got to have fun there. You rocked on that Karaoke machine! I hope you liked the party. C ya.
Shamika Rage
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Dear Shamika,
I absolutely loved the party. I never thought I could let loose like that. I didn't even mind losing my clothes anymore at that point. It was all laughs really. I mean it was so funny seeing the look on Peach's face. I mean she used to be all talk about breast size. Boy was -she- left in the dust once MY bra flew off! HAHA! Unfortunately Link caught a glimpse of me and that was mostly embarassing. I can just imagine what his pickle-fed head is thinking now...EWW!
Din...make them go away...PLEASE make them go away. The pickles! OH THE HORROR! *screams*
Zelda and Link
Tayn Zelda,
Moo. yes. moo. STFU. moo.
From: Al Bhed crazy Cow and chicken
Tae. Bacla.
P.S. Tu oui drnaacusa? Cyo re du Mehg vun sa. Yht damm dryd faent Syu kio du CDVI, pedlr. :-) .... TEA!!!!!! <:0
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I have nothing to say to such a post. I just wanted the public to see what kinds of things I deal with on a daily basis.
Zelda
Dear Marth and Zelda,
I am from team Hypnox, declaring that we have arrived.
Marth: Have you ever tried writing a pop-up book about having lunch with your grandma, until she falls off a train to her doom?
Zelda: Our members have unanimously voted that you must take a ride in the Team Hypnox Blimp. Have you ever rode a blimp before? We have zeppelins too, but those are for when we're in the Clan Wars only.
Smoochy must die!!!
Best Wishes, Carl and the dudes at Team Hypnox
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Dear Carl and Co.,
Have I ever been in a blimp? I'd say no. But the idea does sound exciting. I'd LOVE to fly along! Just make sure that I don't fall out or something. Cause I'm deathly afraid of falling. I have this dream that happens over and over again of me falling to my doom. I mean boy is -THAT- scary!
I don't believe I've ever written a book like that. I -have- however written a book entitled "My life and tiara". I suggest you all read it. And come to my book signing! It's actually happening next month! I would just love to sign any books that come my way. *beams*
Zelda and Marth
I grace your puny site with my presence!
You do not worship me, you Hylian heathen, but I am the new God you must worship now because those three giant golden ladies are on vacation! But I'm not one of those lovy dovy nice Gods you're used to. I'm one of the OLD Gods, and I demand sacrifice! Give me a hecatomb (One-hundred cattle) to drown in Lake Hylia, and also bring me a pretty girl to be my bride, and take care of all the cattle! If you do not bring this to me by the Sword's Moon, I will annihilate all your crops and send Hyrule into famine. With that I will also give power to all those who WERE reverent, and bestow upon them a weapon far more powerful than the Master Sword will ever be. This is called the AK-47 assault rifle. They will take control of the throne, and bring a chaotic time of mob rule, and war called the Democratic Revolution. Now the people will rule Hyrule, and things will go so slow, that nothing is ever accomplished, only talking about projects without actually doing anything, and weak compromises that keep anyone from getting their way so everyone loses any arguments! Ha ha ha! Now bring me the sacrifice before I make your world turn ugly!
Calvin, God of War
PS Stacy's Mom has got it goin' on!
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Dear "God",
Since when have Gods needed email to contact their followers? Anyhow...I don't happen to have 100 cows to sacrifice. But I DO have a lovely bride for you! She's about 5'6" and has long flowing red hair. She's got pool blue eyes and a GREAT personality! I'm sure she'd just be DYING to meet your aquaintance. I however, cannot follow your rule. Mostly because I hold no more power if I was to go against my Goddesses. I mean c'mon now, vacation? If Nayru ever went on vacation, I'd be pretty screwed.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I am amused by your tiny and insignificant site. I must speak with Ganondorf now.
You have been invited to attend a ceremony where you get to reserve a place in the hall of Really Evil Dead People. Will you join your really evil brothers, and come? Or do you not want a place in the hall of fame out back?
Link, where'd you get that beer? What kind is it, and where can I get some?
Joe, The Man of Steel
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Dear Joe,
PUNY SITE?! Why I outta punch you in the jaw for saying something like that about MY sit-
GET SOME?! Who do you think you are?! Why I outta punch you in th-
Wow. Joe I am amazed at how quickly you have managed to anger my fellow Triforce bearers. I would love to attend this ceremony of yours. Surely the hall of fame you hold houses men almost as great as myself. I'm normally a man of solitude, but I'd be glad to meet you at least.
Zelda Ganondorf and Link
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