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Dear Zelda,
Ok, who you rather have father you children, Marth, Link, or Roy?
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
Father my children? Is this another dating question?! I guess it grows a little more serious at this point, speaking of children and such. I really couldn't tell you. I haven't had the opportunity to observe their fathering skills. It would have to be someone who knows what's good for their children, but at the same time doesn't house them over and not allow them to do anything. You shouldn't really rule your child's life until it's in danger I always say. Marth would appear to have wonderful fathering skills. I mean the way he takes care of his tiara like it were a child. I guess I could say the same about Link and the way he polishes his blade.
My precious...my darling...how you glitter with power and glory...*rub rub polish*
...
Of course she would want me, Roy, to father her children...Why a sissy boy with a fairy or a dude that wears a tiara?
Roy, you're one of the last men I'd have harbor over my children. You'd make them egotistic freaks.
Zelda Roy and Link
Dear Zelda,
If the Gerudoes are all girls except one male (Gannondorf) How do they have kids after Gannondorf dies? Link you caused the mass extinction of the Gerudo you asshole!
Quagmire Jones
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Dear Quagmire,
If you happened to play my game and talked to the gossip stones, you would learn that the Gerudos often go to town to pick up boyfriends. This is simply how the Gerudos repopulate their land. There's really no other explaination other than that.
And to think that I would mate with...such things. The Gerudo race disgusts me, despite the fact that I come from them. You're nuts to think I'd do anything with them.
Zelda and Ganondorf
Dearest Zelda,
We are the jockeys, jockeys are we, we live underground in a fiberglass tree! We've got a river made of chocolate, and hats made of hay. Now lets all hug together, and act really gay!
The Jockeys
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Dear Jockeys,
You wouldn't happen to be related to any of the skull children would you? I mean...that's really..really gay.
Zelda
Dear Zeldizza!
For da shorteeeeeeeeeeeeeez yaeh! Yo yo yo, I need some food for the starvin shorteez out there. Doesn't matter if itz spoiled or covered in mold! I also want yo dog doo doo fo my plan ta save da stavin shorteez! Will ya lend me a hand here, sizta?
Sir Loin
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Dear Sir Loin,
Hellz ya brutha! I'm alwayz willin' to help a nigga' out when in trouble. I'm gonna be real wit 'chu for a sec tho' cause I can't exactly be givin' you my dog doo doo. That shit would mess ya the f*** up yo! There be any other way to help ya'z out?
Zelda
Zelda,
You haven't been showing up at Hooter's lately! Have you quit?
Your Boss
PS The guys have been asking for you
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Dear Boss?
I have no idea of what this Hooters you speak about? What exactly is Hooters? And when have I been working there?! Unless Hooters is a code-name for working on the construction on Death Mountain...you have me lost.
Alright...this is really disturbing. I just found a blonde wig in Link's dressing room.
...
Zelda and Marth
Dear Zelda,
Yo quiro taco bell!
Taco bell dog
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Dear Taco bell dog,
Awww you're so adorable!!! Can you please make an appearance at my castle? Everyone in the land would simply -adore- it. I'm practically begging you. Oh and bring lots and lots of tacos! We're a HUGE fan of them. The last time someone sent us all tacos, we had a huge Mexican fiesta!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Last night was great! I know you were drunk, but I was too. It was magical my drunken angel! We should do that again some time.
Love, Link
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Dear IMPOSTER,
Who are you and what are you doing impersonating MY name of all people?! And why are you trying to give away my secrets?! I outta smack you in the head! Saria? Is that you??
Link
Dear Zelda,
Tassadar has failed us! You must not!
Tommy Terran (From Starcraft Universe)
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Dear Tommy,
What in the world are you talking about? Why am I so lost on MY own answering site?!
Man Tommy, I TOLD you I'd take care of you. I've just had a little slight delay of plan. They found my bottle rocket, and I never meant for -that- to happen. I'm working on getting another, I just need the four bucks to buy the kit! Chill man! I'll get your money! DAMNIT LEAVE ME ALONE!! *sobs*
Zelda and Link
Dear Link,
I would like to tell you about the matrix. Meat me at Lake Hylia, midnite.
Moprpheus
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Dear Morpheus,
Wait a second...you mean this is the whole..take the blue or red pill thing?! OH OH! I wanna take the pill that lets me follow the rabbit! FOLLOW THE RABBIT MAN!!
Judging by this guy's lack of spelling, I don't think that's Morpheus. He was a little more...sophisticated.
Link and Marth
Dear Roy,
I'd like to meet you again at the stripper bar. Bring the lighter and lots of paper. Be ready for the usual. *Puff puff* Try to bring Zelda this time.
Afro Man
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Dear Afro Man,
Hm, You don't remember what happened last time do you? That transvestite and you were a little closer then I think anyone wanted to see. Sure, I'd be glad to join and I'll even try to bring Zelda along. This would be a perfect time for me to woo her with my enchantingly graceful words since she would be away from my tiara wearing friend.
Roy Lord of the Ladies
Good god.
Dear Zelda,
This is death speaking. I'd usually come in person, but I broke my leg trying to take Majora to the underworld. It is your time. Yesterday when Link was playing with his boomerang and it smacked you, you died. Please come to the underworld by yourself, otherwise I'll have to summon some stupid demon that I don't feel like summoning.
Love, Grim Reaper
PS Sorry, Link Marth and Roy about Zelda. Looks like now that Zelda's dead Link being the Hero of Time will take over.
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Dear Grim Reaper,
I'll have you know that when I was a child, I had a gold plate inserted in my skull which prevents any blow to the head to be fatal! HAHAHA! You think you've won this time?! You couldn't even take Majora down without a fight, and he's infested with bugs! HAHAHAHA!
Who would have thought Zelda's hard head would save her one da-
Gee..when will Link learn to stop messing with Zelda. There they go again, behind the barn so that she'll unmercilessly beat him into oblivion. *shakes his head*
Zelda Marth and Link
Dear Zelda,
Hulk SMASH!!!!!!!!!
The Incredible Hulk
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Dear Incredible Hulk,
At least he had the decency to say "Dear Zelda" before his sad attempt of an attack...
ZELDA PUNCH!!!!!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
My stupid Rock Belt ran out of power after I made too many people Cold as Ice. Now I've seeked out a new evil treasure to help me rule the world! Oh, did I tell you I'm not the Avatar of Woe anymore, but am now the Avatar of Fury! Bow down before me, or face my wrath of an army of Zombie Frogs that won't die after a few times you kill them! Ha ha ha! I now own a club called the Meter Room. No one knows exactly what's inside, but I made it horribly exclusive! Behold my new title!
Tiamat, Lord of the wastes, King of darkness, Master of evil, Hound of the resurrection, Slayer of the innocent, Devourer of Souls, Overlord of the Undead, Destroyer of Empires, Nightmare to all, Demon of Chaos, Supreme Rock Master, Bringer of Misery, Plague of Fear, Butcher of Hylians, Murderer of Hippies Avatar of Fury, Walking Desecration, Embodiment of Desolation, Impaler of Peasants, Drinker of Blood, Pandora's Box, Pirate of Perversity, President of inequity, Vicious Dog of Doom, Prince of Despair, The Malicious Murderer, Archduke of Disaster, Creator of Malevolence, Phantom of Debauchery, Tyrant of Depravity, Ghoul of Horror, Fiend of Dread
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Dear Tiamat,
I'm sorry that your power is slowly starting to show it's true nature, that being WEAK! hah! An army of zombie frogs? You wanna see zombie, you should check out redeads. Now -thats- enough to make your hair stand on end.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Evil clown am holding me am late POOL OF PIRAHNA! Me am needing helped. Danglinging upside down, Evil clown laugh super happy lucky! Need a man with am fishing rod! Needing helping!
Mao Tse-tung
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Dear Mao,
I certainly am sorry for the things that are happening to you, but not to worry! My friend Li-
Man, don't even finish the email. I'm on my way Mao...again *sigh*
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
The horror... the horror! The men with shovels are trying to take me away! No they can't! I don't want to be buried again! Oh, so now they think I'm a witch, huh? No not the fire! Anything but the fire and the icy water! They chant: Burn her, burn her, burn burn BURN!!! Now the men with shovels are beating up my friends! No! Oh crap, I was hit in the head and thrown in a ditch! Ooh! a cookie on a string! Don't mind if I do? Nooooooooooooo! It burns it burns! All right, so maybe I do wiegh less than a duck. Just because I believe in a low fat diet doesn't meen I'm a witch. these idiots. They say lead floats on water. I'll teach them how to float-- belly up! Hoo hoo hoo hoom wah ha ha! Crap it! Here comes Link staggering with a bottle in his hand! Do I look like withch to you? Yes? Oh crap! Ow, that hurt, you know. Hey, stop poking me with your sword. That really hurts, you know.
Did you see this happen to me at Hyrule square? They tried to burn me because I look like a witch! For your information, I am a Moralist of Dark Magic, NOT a witch.
Did you know that falco is really a budgiger? What do you know about Falco, anyway?
Your (hopefully I am) friend, MaGiC cHiCk
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Dear Magic Chick,
The residents of the market place are a little...strange. They thought I was a witch once...but then realized the crown and all bowed before me. They're strange. I think the tavern is serving bad...milk...yes. But regardless, I'll put you up for protection and such, personally by Link if you wish. He's a busy man I know, but he's great protection. I mean look at me! I think I'm driving him to turn to the bottle from all the stress. I'm really contemplating on taking him out and just...giving him a night on the town!
Why does everyone think I drink?!
Zelda and Link
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