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Dear Zelda,
Bu, bu, bu, bu ,bu! I'm lovin it! There is a giant lion that will purge the wold of all it's pies! EAT EAT EATMAN EAT! I am EATMAN! HEAR ME eat! nummy num num nummy! numky numkey monkey monkey monkey! T farmer's cow gave me milk moo dawg! Wassup homie G! EATMAN EAT EAT EAT! I used to be normal until I played keaton'mon! Ecco the dolphin! dolphine dolfin. THE ALEINS GOT ME! HIP HIP POP! hypno pop! Pop goes the weasel! POP ROCKS GO POP!
For your own amusement I will ask you a question? Did you get the price write? Do you want to be a millionair? Nairish Nairish NAIR AIRDRAGON! Fly right night hawk!
Nighthawk
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Dear Nighthawk,
You wouldn't happen to be like...Mao's pet hawk....would you?
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
THEY PUT KENSHIN BACK ON THE AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Dies of happiness*
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
I would only guess that's great news since you are indeed a Kenshin obsessed girl. Congrats on that. I wish my show would only get so lucky. *sighs* The series wasn't -that- bad. The only thing bad about that whole show had to be my tights. They revealed a bit -too- much if you ask me.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Have you ever engaged in cross dressing?
I'm sick of these film festivals. All they ever show is gay coyboys eating pudding. When will it end?
The Crossdresser
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Dear crossdresser,
I don't personally crossdress. Though people have believed that I do when I turn into Shiek. But c'mon people. It's no different than you guys and your halloween stupidness. Some of you dress up like things that are a different sex. So what does it matter?! Besides, it was a matter of safety. If I showed my princess self around, Ganondorf would have surely had me trapped for that seven years. I had to hide!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
The apocalypse is coming! The machines are rising up against us, and we can't do a damn thing about it! The world will end! And I helped this happen by being a machinist! Why?!? Why must this happen to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!? Zelda I want to know, WHY?!?
From Edgar Figaro
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Dear Edgar,
...I knew the other appliances would come back to haunt me for throwing out the toaster...
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Me and my daughter Maki found your site on a friend's computer, and swung by to say hello.
I don't recall Marth or Roy ever being in a Zelda game. I thought they were from Fire Emblem. Jeez, how long's It been since I played those games? Great job,
Best Wishes, Drake
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Dear Drake,
Marth and Roy do participate in other games. The fact that they're here has nothing to do with whether or not they're in Legend of Zelda. They -are- however joined with super smash brothers melee. You know that Marth really didn't like me at first? Mostly because I always showed him up with my fashion. He was extremely jealous of my own tiara. I don't even know why...if I compare them now, his is much more expensive. Regardless, we never got along at first. Constantly bickering and fighting about who's clothes looked prettier. I think I finally backed down and let him be the girl once or twice. I think this is what finally allowed him to come closer and be a friend more than anything else. As for Roy...well, I think he's a little shit. But that's just my personal opinion of him. The guy has no regards for women. I think he's a womanizer if anything. I hope he gets stuck with some Goron babe because no other woman will take him.
Poor Gorons...
Zelda
Dear Link, Zelda, Sarah, and Malon if even there,
Ryan: Hi guys although i do not have any questions I just want to talk. I also have my friend link with me....
Link: Hi link remember me, The guy who you want to live your life for something. Hell forget it.
Ryan: Dam it all Link, will you for the goddesses sakes let me finish my sentences. Well anyway I just want to say this...... I LOVE YOU MALON, YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL I HAVE EVERSEEN. I LOVE THE WAY YOU SING IT IS SO MAGICAL. Man i feel much better now. I hope Malon answers this.
Link: Thats it, thats all i can take from you ryan!! Malon this, and Malon that, thats all I hear from you..
Ryan: So...
Link: So, my piont is that i'll kill you instead of link. All you have to do is say her name one more time.( draws his gilded master sword and his American sheild.)
Ryan:( yawns) Alrighty then you feeble warrior, I have just one thing to say about this.....
Link: And that is......
Ryan: Your father is so fat that he could sell shade. ( draws his sword, the sword of orikalkos, and his sheild of shining light.)
Link: Ryan, you keep my father out of this. Lets begin!
Ryan: Eat this!!!! Shining sheild. ( blinds link with intense light from the sheild.)
Link: dam I can't see.
Ryan: ( Stabs link through the chest, link falls to the ground in a bloody mess.)
Ryan: My mom is so going to kill me, If she finds out her office is covered in blood. Well anyway you guys tell malon to answer this question.. O sweet malon it would be my pleasure if i got to know you better. if you would allow me? And link i think i might have killed my friend link so you might not hear from him in awhile..................
Link: You................bastards...................................................think you ha.........ve.....................killed......me..................think again.........................I.......................................will................................destroy...................you.................all.....( collapses)
Ryan: I am going to end this now. I LOVE YOU MALON!!!!!!!!!!!
from, Ryan ( the guy who loves Malon. ), and the now almost dead link.
P.S. Link: I.............got................a..............secert...............to...............share ............about.........Ryan. HE................drool...........everytime...........................he................sees.................a......red-head.......farm..girl..
Ryan: Link will you shut up, before any other personal things are said i'll kill link.
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Dear Ryan,
Quite the interesting talk you have, there. Unfortunately I can't get a hold of Malon as of yet. Mostly cause the webmistress is okaying her to talk here. I think it's cause she can't figure out another color to put Malon under. hah! Lazy webmistress.
This Link guy makes a mockery of everything I stand for! I would never get stabbed in the chest! I even have more grammatical skills! *screams*
I find a great likeness to the two of you. It's true that you won't get stabbed in the chest, no. You're the type to turn your back on your enemy stupidly. -That- will be your fate.
I so would not!
Zelda Marth and Link
Sear Sarah,
I received your reply on 10/23/04. I will try to stay in touch. Also tell link and zelda me and link said hi. The link their might want to have a few words with my friend link. If you know what I mean. Anyway I have some artwork on oviously on zelda, but i do not know how to submit it to you. and possibly some poetry or something on those lines. Tell link over their calm down and go to bed. One thing that calms me down is to listen to Malon singing. And is malon avalible I would *clears throut* like to meet her. If you do not mind of course. I might send zelda an e-mail about this. anyway Sarah it was nice speaking to you and tell Zelda she needs to go on vacation.
From, Ryan ( another links only friend )
P.S. Your link should know my friend cause he asked zelda something about dating a princess and why she loses her temper i think.
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"Sear" Ryan,
I've never seen a greeting like that. Can I use it? I really should go on vacation. I need a break. From just about...everybody. Especially that creep that keeps lurking in my trashcans. I have YET to find him!
[Webmistress Note: Just simply make an attachment with your email with any type of drawing you have. I really look forward to your work! I'd love to add it to my "hall of fame" I guess you could say. Thank you for all your dedication!]
I don't think Zelda loses her temper. I think she just...turns into another person. Her other half. You see, she's a Gemini. She's got that...split personality. Sarah is too! So I've gotten to know them for a while. They completely change into two people all the time. But anyway, her advice seemed to be logical. Despite the fact that I've done all of that and I've yet to see the princess alone. Ah well...maybe if I come to NEAR DEATH she'll notice me!
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
In an old piece of crap game for some system some losers made agame where you play as Zelda called "The wand of Gamelon" and from what I heard, It sucked. I sucked bad. I'd bet you didn't even know this existed, did you?
Who or what is Gamelon, anyway?
Tiamat, Lord of the wastes, King of darkness, Master of evil, Hound of the resurrection, Slayer of the innocent, Devourer of Souls, Overlord of the Undead, Destroyer of Empires, Nightmare to all, Demon of Chaos, Supreme Rock Master, Bringer of Misery, Plague of Fear, Butcher of Hylians, Murderer of Hippies, Avatar of Fury, Walking Desecration, Embodiment of Desolation, Impaler of Peasants, Drinker of Innocent Blood, Pandora's Box, Pirate of Perversity, President of inequity, Vicious Dog of Doom, Prince of Despair, The Malicious Murderer, Archduke of Disaster, Creator of Malevolence, Phantom of Debauchery, Tyrant of Depravity, Ghoul of Horror, Fiend of Dread, Bane of the Living, Eternal HellHound of Foulness, Executor of The Angelic, Defacer of The Saintly, Chief of Obscenity, Director of Contamination, Terror of The Night, Amplifier of Catastrophe, Sadist of Calamity, Assassinator of The Pure, Emperor of Hatred, Conveyor of Indecency, Beast of Annihilation, Ripper of Ruin, Gold Card Member of The Meter Room, Awakener of Wickedness, Hellspawn of Hades, Committer of Crime, Twister of many Skulls, Dictator of Death, Chairman of Notoriousity, Locust of Famine, Mantis of the Apocalypse, Fang of of the Poison Tooth, The Forever Decapitator, Master of the disembowlment arts, Pyromaniac of Persecution, Headmaster of Opression, Deceptor of Dawn, Necromancer of the Putrid.
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Dear Tiamat,
You're certainly teaching me something new. I was never aware of such a game. Are you sure -I'm- the character? I mean, I would remember something like that. Unless they made a clone of me...
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Have you ever been to a tractor pull? They soup up these dinky tractors to pull huge chunks of shrapnel, but they weren't meant to, so fire spews into the air, and they make this ungodly noise. The ground shakres from it, and they often can't go 3 feet or more. It's still fun though. My favorite tractor is The Meat Grinder. I'ts a favorite in Norka. I'm from Norka, just to let you know. I think Hyrule could use a tractor pull sometime.
Yours truly, The man from Norka
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Dear man from Norka,
I haven't ever been to a tractor pull, but I know Sarah has. She's country like that. She's the type that goes to county fairs and rides the rides till she throws up. But what you say about having a tractor pull here. Well, first of all...we'll need tractors.
We're still behind the times and using horses. Maybe a horse pull?!
...So you want Epona to be spewing fire and making noises like that?
...
EPONAAAAAAA!!!!
Zelda Marth and Link
Dear everyone,
I am going to bed so......................................................... ................. EVERYONE SHUTUP AND LET ME REST IN SOME SILENCE GOT IT?...................Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
From, link
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Dear link,
I guess I'll keep the name in lower caps so we don't get confused here.
What's there to be confused about?! Lack of grammar...grammar. There's a distinct difference!
Regardless...um. Sleep then?
The guy doesn't even ask a question! Why are you POSTING this???
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
I'll keep this short for your sake. TELL MARTH TO STOP FISHING AT LAKE HYLIA!!!!!!!
Much love, Princess Ruto
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Dear Ruto,
I apologize for Marth. I also appreciate the brief message as well. It didn't take you several paragraphs to tell me this! Just calm down for a moment. We don't need to start beheading Hylian's again. I'll get right on this and you'll never see him there again.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
It's a huge relief to see you answered my question. My natural sugar high has been taking a long break, not even caffeine can bring me out of my depression. I said nothing important in my first letter. Mistakes happen, so I'm not holding anything against you for not answering my questions - which I should get to asking so I can shut up.
Zelda- I hope your not mad about me coming across your website. What will you be doing if the Ask Zelda pages get up into the higher numbers?
Link- Link, I love your little fanart. Cutest thing I have ever seen, I wish I could draw on the computer. Speaking of which, I have no time to draw anymore. It sucks big time. Um...What color tunic is your favorite?
Marth- Have you been to this website yet? Its a paper-doll site. If you don't feel like signing up and talking to people, here's another site. It's basically the same thing but it's only female. I thought you'd be interested, sorry.
Roy- I loved Escaflowne. Thanks for telling me about it. Any other animes you like? What about Gamecube games? I don't know about you, but I'm playing Metroid Echoes when it's out.
Sorry if my letter was lengthy, Brenda
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Dear Brenda,
No sense in apologizing. You're right, mistakes do happen. So regardless! Onto the question. What will I do if they get into higher numbers? What do you mean the pages? I'm sure the webmistress will keep adding another row of page numbers. I mean if I remember, Beth's page of Marth got up to fourty something pages. I'm only halfway. So we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I took a lot of pride in that drawing, though crappily drawn. But yeah, I think Zelda fancied it a lot. I mean, I didn't even know I had that kind of skill with a mouse. But hey, you never know until you try, right? I'd have to say that my favorite tunic color is my blue one. For one, I can breathe underwater! I love swimming, if you don't know. And well, that tunic keeps me from the fear of drowning. So that's always a plus. Besides, I think the blue fabric brings out the brightness of my eyes.
Link...always matching to his eyes. They're wondrous eyes, if I do say so myself. I think the blue suits you as well. I mean c'mon now...I wear blue! *blushes* To your question, Brenda. I took a moment to make a few of these avatars.
Not too bad for Zelda.
Sorry, Link. I had limited means.
I think that's the best representation left! It has to be the hair.
I found this place to be quite fun. If you're ever bored, I suggest coming here, really. It'll keep you occupied for a long time.
...
Personally I've gotten into those mario kart games. They're so colorful! Plus Daisy is my hero. I betcha if we ever got a chance to meet, that she'd ask me to marry her right on the spot. Other animes? Lessee. I kinda like cowboy beebop. But that's cause I have limited sources. All I have really is adult swim on cartoon network. So that keeps me very limited on what animes I get to see and such.
Zelda Link Marth and Roy
Dear Milady Zelda,
I was reading some past e-mails to you from Acco..er something like that. I just want to tell her SHE HAS SOME ISSUES TO WORK OUT FOR YOUR SAKES! By the way Roy I know your father. His name is Eliwood. I HATE THIS GOD DAM FUCKING COLD THAT I HAVE.............................................................................. The things I do for love...
From, link
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Dear link,
We all know that all the individuals that come to this place have issues. But that is beside the point. I appreciate all the emails and questions I get from Acco...even if they're not always questions like I ask. Regardless, she's as welcome here in this nuthouse like any other individual. Eliwood? What kind of homo name is that?
Leave my father out of this! Why did you tell them my father's name?!?!?! That's supposed to be a secret, damnit!!!
Zelda and Roy
Dear Princess Zelda,
Its me the totema Aldemerik, I just got your message back and you have got to be kidding me. Your going to have link face me. hes weaker than a feeble little child. If you send him to me alone he would not stand a chance. You should send all for hyrule to fight me, but that just means their begging to die. I will however give you the power of summoning me if u just give me one thing. A friend.
from, Aldemerik
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Dear Aldemerik,
All of Hyrule eh? If I send -myself- you won't even stand a chance. But I hate showing up Link like that. Trust me, Link will give you a good battle. I mean you deserve a challenge before you die, right?
Now on the subject of a friend. If you stop threatening Link and my kingdom, you'll have tons of friends. Trust me, we don't need another Ganondorf around here.
Sure we do. I need to take vacations too. I need a stand-in.
Zelda and Ganondorf
Dear Roy,
Coffee bad but coffe good. Cofee is my favorite drink, I love how it's hyper, takes me off the brink! No more bad for cofee! Coffee coffe cofe coffe cofee coffe coffee! No cappacino, I'll have a burrito, expresso is nice, now expresso twice! Lat`e and _mocha make-a me choke-a!
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEE
You like hyper? HYPER!
Exodus jr.
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Dear Exodus Jr.,
...
What kind of crap is this?
I find this to be hilarious. Roy gets suspended and then he suddenly gets fanmail. Of course he's only capable of so much.
...this isn't fair.
Zelda and Roy
Dear Zelda,
Longer am days when me am not to speaking with all people. Me am cuttinging weeds and and am am am fallen into of deep nothingness with which am no haggard dresser drawer return! Lake ducky rise up, and am free from horrible, foul stench of gorilla! Horrendous smell am keeping without prison of green so, nostrils face iminent doom from crunching monkey jaw. Then Mao pull out magical sword found from ducky, and rend ape limb from head! Mao nothing escape from dawn of ingle, and dross all over pants, so Mao go to tangle, but Oni spirit not let in. Ogre punch, and demon scream, so tangled sink into quicksilver sea, and dross dry out mephidross. Bad man come for crazy elf, and Mao go home. You ever been to quicksilver sea? Pretty like flower from grave of geth. Stay way from mephidross from stinky vomit gas and hurl.
Lunk man should go on journey next time. Why he not come?
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Dear Mao,
Odd that he doesn't have to sign this, yet I know exactly who it is. Anyway, your adventure with this...duck and ape seem so heroic. You should have songs made about you! Regardless, are you in need of Link's assistance? I mean if you are, I'll certainly give him a call. He's taken a liking to you now, you realize. Mostly cause you don't "order him around so much" as I've heard. *hmphs* I'm not much of an ordering person, am I?
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Do you want a Rat's ass on a plaque? It sings too! It makes a perfect Christmas present to show that you DO give a rat's ass about things! Call (000) 000-0000-000 today to get your rat's ass nailed to a plaque! But wait, there's more! If you call now, we'll shave your ass for free! Even if you want a refund for the rat's ass, you get to keep the ass shaver, as our gift to you. Plus, we also have a veiety of rat ass's to choose from; moldy ass rat, stinky ass rat, fat ass rat, and the ever popular crap in ass rat are all favorites. We Gaurantee you'll be satisfied with your Rat's ass if you also get the new rat's ass extra song cartridge, which sings songs like "Gee, I wish I had a Rat's ass" and "Who gives a Rat's ass about that?" Also, if you buy ten different rat ass's today, you get the free limited edition big ass rat to make your rat ass collection complete with the biggest rat ass of all. We have hundreds of callers wanting their own rat's ass to, so call now to get your rat's ass today! So who wants a rat's ass?
Large Crowd in background: WE DO!
Yours truly, Sicko Sammy
PS I said ass 20+ times in this.
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Dear Sicko Sammy,
And I counted every last one.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Do you want your rat fried or grilled? I like grilled.
I HAVE YOUR PIG.
Farmer Bobo Faznappe III
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Dear Farmer Bobo Fznappe III,
I absolutely want it grilled. I don't want Li- I mean...I don't want to have anything high of fat. I gotta keep a figure here, folks. Fried anything is bad for you. Don't you know that?
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Since everyone's sending you a bunch of threats, I thought I'd hope on the bandwagon too. So, here I go.
"Dear Zelda, Send me 10,000,000 pounds of sugar. Or else I will send Zakk after you. And your "Hiding places" are easy to find. Every time in sneak into your castle, I allways escape the gards by hiding behind the fake panting by Links room. I found you in there once, you know. You were talk in your sleep. Keep saying something about your trash. It was quite freaky. So I left to go visit Marth. *Cough* Back to the threatening. So. Yes. I will send Zakk after you and he will destroy your house and flirt with you and hit you and do all the annoying shit that he does. And Marth and Link and Roy and everyone else will be powerless to stop him. Why? Because hes Zakk. No one can stop Zakk. So just send me the sugar. Please. Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)"
So, how was that? Good? Ok? Crappy? I am not good at threats. I'm not good at anything.
.......Brenda? ....As in the Brenda from Beth's Page of Marth...?
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
That letter is very authentic! I do congratulate you. Ganondorf would hire you in seconds!...except for the "please". You need to learn to be ruthless! You gotta not care what I think. You gotta -demand-!! So yeah...other than that, you were very convincing.
Zelda
dear zelda,
do you like dogs?, why don't you tell link that you are zelda when you are disquised as sheik? why do you keep your face masked and your voice muffled AND change your skin color when you are sheik( i'd think keeping your face masked and your voice muffled would be anough)
- ????
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Dear ????,
You think that if I told LINK of all people who I was that he wouldn't give away my identity to the world? He's the biggest gossip queen in the world! I had to stay hidden until the very last moment. Otherwise I would have been stuck in that uncomfortable crystal a lot longer. Damn thing has a distinct smell of amonia...I can't stand that smell.
Zelda
Dear link, milady zelda and maybe gannondorf,
Look link, maybe we can talk about things alittle more civilized. I mean your lucky i did not lose my temper or half the world might have gone up in a big explosion. I have to keep my spirit bands on or ka-boom. And i have done all the things you have done and more. I cannot forget about milady Zelda, thank you for the advice it worked like a charm. I got a princess to date me in under three days. Her name is Princess Esme Evenstar. Her father and mother are very nice people. Now back to link, i admit I have to same name as you, but I can't help it. I suggest I take u to auroma theropy to calm you down and get some sleep. And Gannondorf I have a friend who will e-mail you soon to become an evil person just like you. I hope you all have a nice day.
from, Link
P.S. If you want some auroma theropy come with link to michigan, It will settle both of you down so that you will be much happy're. And everyone is welcome to come.
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Dear link,
I actually look forward for such a thing. Someone did advise me to take a vacation...it might have been you. But yes, I think it'll be great.
Look...alright I went too far blowing up and such about you having the same name. I'm just not used to posers becoming THAT close to me. I mean I'm actually sorta flattered that you like me enough to have such a name. Did you get it put on your birth certificate?! That would own if you did.
I have no friends.
Zelda Link and Ganondorf
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