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[Webmistress note: From this point on, Malon will have herself included in the commentary in the "Ask Zelda" section. You're welcome Ryan.]
Dear Link,
Why "Epona"? Why not "Sexy" or "Linda" or "Zelda" after the princesses or something like that? How do you even say "Epona"? I just call her "Links horse" when I talk about her. Are you sure shes a girl? Has she ever got pissed at you and shit on you? Is she a fat horse? Or do you starve her? How do she and Zelda get along? How you you and her get along? Does she hate you, but cant run away? Or does she love you? Why a horse? Why not a donkey? Or a goat? A goat would be so cool! It'd be a new fashion trend!
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
If you played the game at all, you'd know that I wasn't the one that named the horse anyway. It was Malon. So if you wanna ask how she was named, consult her, cause I have no idea. I say that her and Zelda get along rather well. There's been times that I've walked Epona with Zelda on her back, so if she hated her...she would have never let her on her back. (wow..that's a lot of "her"s) I get along great with Epona. I'm tellin' ya, she loves me the most. I don't care what ANYONE says! I'd say that Epona is also in great shape. I mean I run her around everyday, we're always searching for adventure. And to tell you the truth, when I first showed up at Lon Lon Ranch, I almost expected to ride a cow everywhere.
I named her Epona from a great Grandmother of mine. She was very in-tune to horses and their needs. So when she died, I decided to name Donna's first female foal as "Epona" in her loving memory. My great Grandmother loved Donna, that was her horse. So yeah, that's where the name comes from.
Link and Malon
Dear Malon,
Give that Obscene costume back to the Halloween store THIS INSTANT, young lady!
-Papa
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Dear "Papa",
Sod you. There's no way you're my father. Mostly because he'd never have the decency to sign his letters with "papa". He'd just sign it with his own name, regardless of who I was to him. Also, a devil's costume isn't MEANT to look tame. You don't have a goose-down parka zipped up to your throat and long long skirts, alright?
Malon
Dear Zelda,
Kiss my ass!
Malon
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Dear Malon,
FINALLY! You get to see ME!! I thought I wasn't gonna get to answer an email for a long time or something. Anyway...Listen here, missy. You're lucky that the webmistress is favoring Ryan in letting you answer here. But I will -not- have you insult me on my own site. I can remove you! And I will! So don't test me, farm girl.
Zelda
Dear Link,
I can see it now! You and me! Together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever until the end of of time and we're both old on the front porch with our kids off in colledge, and arguing over whether it is hot or cold.
Ruto
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Dear Ruto,
Please Din, not this again. (wow I rhymed!) I thought we ended this relationship. You know, the seven year gap? The fact that we're not the same species? The fact that I was caught fishing on several occassion? Any of this ringing a bell at all? And you KNOW that the Zora's sapphire was ONLY for the Temple of Time right? I mean, I never said I'd marry you!
Link
D-d-dear Zelda,
D-d-d-d Doodaw d-d-d-d-drowned! D-d-d-Doodaw's dead!
Ever been to a demolition derby?
American Idiots Unite!
From Raffaj and Onin
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Dear Raffaj and Onin,
I thought I answered this question before. Yes, because we brought Epona into this! I really wanna have one, but we only have horses. And that would look -real- ugly if we had a demolition derby with them.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
If you give me a kiss, I'll not give you a wedgie! I won't tell anyone either.
Charmeleon
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Dear Charmeleon,
YOU again! I thought I told you no 2394732947324 times already! I'm gonna have Yoshi come and turn you into an egg if you keep bothering me. When I said no at the stage, I MEANT it! And leave my panties alone, for the LAST time!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
Have you ever heard of Battle Pope? He kicks ass! It's a comic about a skirt chasing, cap busting, rambling, gambling Bishop who came back from the dead to purify the world! Odd, though, how he drinks so much, and curses blue streaks from here to Wisconsin. Battle Pope really puts the ass back in blasphemey!
Your Friends, Nino and Jaffar
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Dear Nino and Jaffar,
Anime. Gotta love it. The main character almost always kills millions, and yet doesn't believe in killing at all. Or they're complete and total idiots, but when it's time to show off their powers, they suddenly become geniuses. It's crazy, isn't it? And it's AMAZING how those women can keep their backs straight when their breasts are larger than their heads.
Zelda
Dear Link,
Why didn't you wear pants when you were a kid? At first I thought you wore a kilt! Then I found out you weren't Scottish.
Your friend, Duncan
PS There can only be ONE!
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Dear Duncan,
They're SHORTS! Jesus people, they're SHORTS!!! How many times do I have to show everyone?! Do you want me to give you a pair of them??? So you can CLEARLY see the TWO holes instead of just one?! Either you're all idiots or pedophiles wanting to know JUST what lies under that fabric of clothing.
Link
Dear Zelda,
It's now Sadistic nursery rhyme time with ME Sicko Sammy!
This little piggy went to market... TO BUY SOME BACON! This little piggy stayed home.... TO EAT SOME BACON! This little piggy had roast beef... WITH A SIDE OF BACON! This little piggy had none... OF THE ROAST BEEF, BUT HAD PLENTY OF BACON! And this litlle piggy cried... WEE WEE WEE I WANT MY BACON!
Sicko Sammy
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Dear Sicko Sammy,
...You're a very sick man.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I'm tired of you sending excess cheese to my domain. make it stop!!!
From, Quawar
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Dear Quawar,
I thought you people liked cheese! I can't stand the stuff, it makes me break out. But if you wish to no longer receive our dairy products, I'll do so. I mean Link loves the stuff. I'll just haul it his way instead.
VICTORY!!!!!
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
this queston may sound stupid but... how can you create your on web page????
Anonimous Z ^_^
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Dear Anonimous Z,
How can you? If you're no good with HTML like me, you can get a webmistress like I have, or! You can go here and use the pagemaker to make a website. Actually, if you want your own tutorial, come here. This guy will entertain and teach at the same time! Gotta love it.
Zelda
Dear Roy,
Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me want coffe! Me want cofe! Me likey bouncy! Me likey cofee!
COFFEE OPULENCE FAST FLAME-BROILED ENDOPLASMIC RETICULUM EVERTHING!
Cofe is my life. I love Coffee and cophee or even some more coffe! Lets have cofewe!
Exodus Jr. (Again)
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Dear Exodus Jr.,
You really should lay off the catnip there, Jr.. Maybe you can try decaffeinated "coffee" for a while, too… or maybe you should go dry out for a while in some clinic! Really, one such as I would never have this problem with stimulants.
Roy (A.K.A Perfection)
Dear Zelda,
Happy Halloween!
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
Happy Halloween to you as well. I feel kinda bad that we were late with getting the homepage's theme up so late. Now we're gonna have to start coming up with a Thanksgiving theme. It'll probably be the same color, just with some...turkey stuff. Yes! It'll have to work out. We're all on low budgets here people.
Zelda
Dear Marth,
Dude, I've got a nasty case of the munchies, man! Speaking of food, what's your favorite food, dude? Peace out, Man!
Hippy Dude
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Dear Hippy Dude,
Just because I have long hair does NOT mean I'm one with the hippies! What? My favorite food? I'd have to say that I like sushi. Why? I have no idea why. I've been to Tokyo a few times in my lifetime, since it was just a couple of minutes away from my home. And Everytime I'd visit, I'd always have some sushi. Roy seems to enjoy it too, though he likes the kelp tea better.
Marth
Dear Zelda,
I be eating liver? You am eatining ing in ing squashes? Squash bug! Bug fly! Bug fly! NO NOT ALL OVER SHOES! Turkey ham spam, lamb? Food am eating thanksgiving? Which tasty as feathered pheasant? Lumpy cat like rooster crow like bird. Hawk am bird but Mao not like hawk so Mao am chasing hawking out windows for last final super grand timed. Hawk gone, and me am happy am as am an am as lucky melody tomorrow! Here picture from Lumpy cat!
You am liking?
Mao Tse-tung
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Dear Mao,
I don't know if there was an issue with the send, but all I got was...this black screen. But yeah, um...that's a nice picture...if that's what it's supposed to be. I plan on having Thanksgiving dinner with everyone on this site. You know: Marth, Link, Roy, Ganondorf, and Malon shall be attending my castle and such. It'll be nice. We'll take a group picture and post it sometime, alright? Regardless, lovely hearing from you.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
If you saved a horse by riding a cowboy, what kind of cowboy would you ride?
Qu
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Dear Qu,
It's odd that you mention such a question. The webmistress has gotten into this song "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" by Big and Rich. And I swear to Din, she's driving me nuts with the song. Please make her stop! As for what kind of cowboy? I'd say the dark handsome type. Dark hair, dark eyes. And probably would end up betting all of our life savings in the Saloon.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I'm sorry, but I must retire this year. I'm too old for this kind of work. Geez, I need an aspirin.
Sincerely, Your favorite 2 story snow giant with hypnotic eyes, Archy
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Dear Archy,
Awww! Do you really have to retire this year? I adore you!!! Plus you always helped out during Christmas time. Or was that your cousin? I mean, with putting the star on the tree and such. Aww, it's really a shame.
Zelda
Dear Sarah,
Please leave Orange Dae's E-mail address anonymous. We don't want any more trouble than we already have.
Mr. Pseudonym
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Dear Mr. Pseudonym,
*blinks*
Orange Dae was trouble?! Aww..you've GOT to be kidding me.
[Insert sarcasm here]
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
It's the end of an era. I'm getting evicted from my neihgbors complaining about the smell of booze, and rotting cheese coming from my house. They also didn't like the noise from the paries and such. I'm losing my ouse, and have to move back in with my uncle! This sucks!
Now I'll give you the recipe for necrogen: 3 cups water a slab of rusting iron 2 heated slabs of lead a bucket of salt one cup water a drop of quicksilver and a sacrifice to the dark moon.
It works better when there's a lot of sludge in the area. It helps to keep this stew in sludge. Let iyt sit for a month or so, and necrogen will be flowing out the tube forever!
Best Wishes, Draq, Keeper of The Vault
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Dear Draq,
I'll make sure to write this down. I'm also going to add five hairs from Malon's hair to give it a little more...spice.
?
Zelda and Malon
Dear Zelda,
I've recently found out that The Legend of Zelda series was loosely based on the Movie "Legend". Why didn't you tell me?
Tiamat, Lord of the wastes, King of darkness, Master of evil, Hound of the resurrection, Slayer of the innocent, Devourer of Souls, Overlord of the Undead, Destroyer of Empires, Nightmare to all, Demon of Chaos, Supreme Rock Master, Bringer of Misery, Plague of Fear, Butcher of Hylians, Murderer of Hippies, Avatar of Fury, Walking Desecration, Embodiment of Desolation, Impaler of Peasants, Drinker of Innocent Blood, Pandora's Box, Pirate of Perversity, President of inequity, Vicious Dog of Doom, Prince of Despair, The Malicious Murderer, Archduke of Disaster, Creator of Malevolence, Phantom of Debauchery, Tyrant of Depravity, Ghoul of Horror, Fiend of Dread, Bane of the Living, Executor of The Angelic, Defacer of The Saintly, Chief of Obscenity, Director of Contamination, Terror of The Night, Amplifier of Catastrophe, Kaiser of Calamity, Assassinator of The Pure, Emperor of Hatred, Conveyor of Indecency, Beast of Annihilation, Ripper of Ruin, Gold Card Member of The Meter Room, Awakener of Wickedness, Hellspawn of Hades, Committer of Crime, Twister of many Skulls, Dictator of Death, Chairman of Notoriousity, Locust of Famine, Mantis of the Apocalypse, Fang of the Poison Tooth, The Forever Decapitator, Master of the disembowelment arts, Pyromaniac of Persecution, Headmaster of Oppression, Deceptor of Dawn, Necromancer of the Putrid, Ultimus of The Graveborn, Eater of the dead, Scion of Pestilence, Wraith of Havoc, Evil Eye of Agony, Praetor of The Pit, The Shrieking Shriveler, Archon of Agony, Evincar of Foulness, Lich of Mutilation, Crusader of Treachery, Apparition Injustice, Painbringer of Purgery, Keeper of The Void, Sadist of Lobotomy, Ranger of Misfortune, Overseer of The Tainted, Titan of Extinction, Beacon of Incineration Firebeast of Inferno.
PS A few of my titles changed. I'm experiencing some competition. Did you notice the difference?
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Dear Tiamat,
Alright alright. The secret is out. So what if it is?! That's not -my- concern. I'm a mere actress in the scheme of things. I just do what the script says! So sue me!
The only difference I notice, is how large it gets everytime we speak.
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
How do elves turn into orcs? I must know!
The Necromancer
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Dear Necromancer,
Ask Link. Because if he bugs me ONE MORE TIME with wanting to play hockey this weekend, he'll BECOME ONE.
*gulp*
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
Hey, remember that collage for halloween? Was that composed of Gaian Avatars?! Are you on Gaia Online? >_> I am. And I want an angelic staff. And I need some Gaian friends. >_<
Shadowarachnus
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Dear Shadowarachnus,
Yeah, the collage was from Gaian avatars. But I usually don't visit the site. Mostly cause I'm too poor to afford anything, and I'm walking around in rags. I'm too GOOD for rags!
Zelda
Dear Zelda,
I'm gonna start getting to the point of my letters now.
All of you: What's your favorite movie? Dream car? Favorite type of weather? It's raining and storming here and it's making me happy.
Link: Is your darker half as seductive as everyone portrays him to be?
Brenda
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Dear Brenda,
My favorite movie has to be "You've got mail" I'm sorry, but I'm a sap to internet relationships. Everyone thinks that they don't work out! Well, I'm gonna show you that they do! Someday...I love sunny weather. Mostly because Hyrule has this funny thing of showing storms whenever something bad is about to happen. Or when something isn't right.
Yeah, I'd have to agree with Zelda there. I can't stand to see storms. They only mean that I'm gonna miss my episode of The Simpsons that night. *sigh* I don't have a favorite movie. Though I do enjoy comedies and some action packed thrillers. And yes, my darker side is very seductive. I'd watch out if I were you. He's quite a lady killer. Kinda like his lighter counterpart. *struts*
Boy does he have that right. *swoons* Anyway, my favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I'm a sap for romance. I can't help it! Just...the way he used to always say "As you wish." It just melts the heart! I'm partial to storms. I love soft rain the most. A gentle patter of the rain against a window sill. *sigh* Ahhh such memories.
...
Marth, you're such a fag. I like Diehard! Man! Talk about an action thriller! I love death and destruction! The more gore the better! I like tornadoes too! I so wanted to be a storm chaser when I was younger. Man, those were the days.
Dear whomever,
As the King of all that is Evil and inherently awesome, I would say my favorite film at the moment is Bruce Campbell Vs. Army of Darkness. Hail to the king, baby. The Evil King that is.
To answer the second portion of your exceedingly villainous letter, my favorite type of weather has always been and always will be ...bad. BAH HAH HAH HAH!
Ever see the movie Pillow Talk? Great scott! Can you believe that Rock Hudson was actually GAY?! Yet he pulls off a movie like that. Had the world fooled, really. He was a sex IDOL! I'll have to agree with Marth on his favorite type of weather. I think that gentle rain is the most romantic type of weather out there.
Zelda Link Marth Roy Ganondorf and Malon
[Webmistress note: I think that's the first time that everyone answered an email at once. And look at the colors!]
Dear Everyone including Zelda the stampede,
Well Roy, your mom Visited me a few days ago and we talked about you. You mom is a very nice lady. She told me that you told her that you were going out with Zelda and that she could not wait to meet her. Your moms name is lyndis. And zelda the stampede you still have not choosen a showdown spot, but your special trainning wiil not even touch me let alone kill me. I am known for dodging any type of projectile no matter how big or how many are fired. I have a $$660 billion an my head just like you, but for different reasons. And if malons on there at least let her say hi.
From, Ryan the stampede (The guy who loves Malon)
P.S. My friend link died, the one I stabbed. Hell yes hes dead.
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Dear Ryan,
He's going out with WHO?! This is absurd! Roy I swear I'm going to pummel you into the ground the MINUTE I see your firey red hair! And don't be so confident in your skills there, Ryan. You underestimate the mighty Princess of Hyrule. UNDERESTIMATE!!! We'll have the match at Hyrule field, in front of the old brick wall that rests near Lon Lon Ranch. The match will be at 3 p.m. DON'T BE LATE.
Gosh...you wouldn't be so offended if it wasn't true, Zelda. Sheebus!
I outta kick you out of the place for that. He's not DATING ME!!!! AARGGGGHHH!!!
heh heh
It's about TIME you put that bastard to rest! I was about to end his miserable life myself!
I think the others are starting to catch onto my temper. I better take a vacation. Link's almost TURNING into me!
Hi Ryan! I've finally made an appearance here. And I'm rather flattered that you like me. ^__^ <3 <3
This is gonna get worse before it gets better...
Zelda Link Roy and Malon
Dear Zelda,
You know, I was thinking about your pumpkin. Again. I've changed my mind about it a little. It has more of a "What the fuck was that?!?!? That was the crappiest thing I've ever seen!!!" look. Maybe hes thinking about your site...? But the again, he has more of a determined look. More like "God damn it! I AM going to do this thing, so get out of my way, BITCH!". He also looks frustrated. "Oh my god this is so stupid! Just shut up already! >:[" Its just....ARGH!
If he could talk, what do you think he would say?
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl who is slowly becoming obsessed with your pumpkin...)
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Dear Acco,
He has a lot of emotions, I've noticed. But hey, don't put that credit on ME. It was all Sarah's idea! I just merely sat back and watched her carve away. She had a rather sadistic grin on her face the whole time. She scares me at times, honestly scares me. I think it's creative though. She also got a lot of compliments on it during Halloween. So yeah, whatever floats her boat.
Zelda
Dear Roy,
Bern has declared war on Lycia AGAIN, and the Black Fang has been resurrected under new management. Oh, yeah, Brammimond died, the Durandal was stolen, a dragon ravaged your winter home, oh, did I tell you? A dragon somehow got through the sealed gate, and is wreaking all kinds of havoc. Prince Zephiel's gone insane again, and is back from the dead, so the Wyvern riders clan is back, and has unnaturally close relations to the new Black Fang. Well, that's about all I can tell you. You have to clean this mess up, because your dear old dad's an old fart now, and Pherae belongs to you now, so it's your problem not mine.
Love, Your Father and former The Marquess of Pherae, Eliwood
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Dear father (I'm better than you),
Of course it's my responsibility; I've always been twice … no, three times the man that you are! How could you ever let so much bad go wrong in a place that borne an angel such as me?! Seriously though, you should really look at how you deal with problems: unlike me, you run away from them.
Roy (still better than you)
Dear Zelda,
How the hell do you need to keep using Link to save you from all these disasters. You speak like you're some tough chica. Why don't you prove yourself?!
Malon
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Dear Malon,
If I saved myself, Link would be out a job. You all KNOW this. And do you think Link would be too happy? I mean what else would he do?! He could be like THIS comic! Do you want to see your Hero of Time like THAT?? Didn't think so.
Zelda
Dear Zelda or ganondorf,
I have this giant pet and wanted to see if you want it. It is trained to obey any command. Exept for if you want to kill me then it will attack you. His mane is Bluzzers, His age is unknown, his speices is giant insect, his weight and height is 25'' 4' and is 450 lbs. So if anyone want him ( not Roy ) just let me know and he costs 150 rupees. Roy you could not even lay a fingure on me let alone decapitate me. Zelda the stampede would have a better chance of that. Anyway will someone stop sending me nude pictures of zelda and the other girls. And anotherthing, Roy takes pictures of zelda while in the shower or in her dressing room.
From, Ryan( the guy who loves Malon)
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Dear Ryan,
It's time to start decaf, buddy
Your pal in Evilness, Ganondorf
Dear Zelda,
Nice pumpkin you got. It looks thoroughly pissed. Kinda like its saying "What the fuck?" in a pissed off way. But with out words. Just in its _expression. I'm allergic to pumpkins. They make me break out in these little bump thingys that itch really bad. Kinda like when Kcco eats...Well, anything besides soup and pasta. :P
I'm sorry Kcco. Its just so funny. I mean, your allergic to every freaking thing on this earth besides soup and pasta. Remember when someone spelled milk on you and you had to go the doctor? Well, its funny. In certain ways.
But, this E-mail is to Zelda, not you, dear Kcco.
So....I think this Ryan has copyed me. LOOK AT HIS NAME!!! "Ryan ( The guy who loves Malon )" WHAT IS THAT?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?! I'LL YELL YOU WHAT IT IS, IT A TAKE OFF OF "Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)"!!!!! And if it isn't, then I am sorry.
Brenda: I knew it! Nice to see you again. I missed reading yours and Beansters funniness. Yes, I have seen the dubbing bloopers. They are hilarious! XD
Now, for todays question:
WHY DIDN'T ZAKK ASK ME TO THE HALLOWEEN DANCE!?!?!?! T_T
NOT that I like him(...Ok. So many I do. BUT JUST A LITTLE!!!) or anything but...
Marth, you are a sexy, sexy beast.
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco...and Kcco?
I have no idea why he didn't ask you to the dance, but I'm sure if you asked nice enough, Marth would be MORE than pleased to ask you!
Wench.
Zelda and Marth
Haha! You are still out of the loop!
You have no concern going on with the politics going on with the castle and the town and how I have created a vertical monopoly on giving proper burials and how I have taken over the Lon Lon Ranch with price competition.
Your world is mine!
I can take the milk where I please and now it's not going to Hyrule ever again!
As for the burials, dig your won graves because the funeral directors and the grave keepers are now under my control and I offer a great 401K plan if they stay with me, not to mention a wicked investment opprotunity in the company.
Chitearoh!
PS: Go Sox!
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Dear Chitearoh,
You've really taken over all the dairy supplies? GOOD! I hated 'em anyway. Haha! You LOSE Malon! You lose!
Alright, so I owe you five bucks. Big deal.
So you're saying that you have my graveyard too? Damn...though that place was creepy. We do need a place to put our dead. Oh well! I guess Ruto's gonna have to give up Lake Hylia. I may be out of the loop...but I know a monopoly when I see it...and I'm up to trade you THIS monopoly for the boardwalk. What's your wager?!
Zelda and Malon
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