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Dear Ganondorf,
Why must you always attack Hyrule Castle? The Market Town was trashed after your seven year rule. I lost my shop and some masks when that happened. Can't you go attack Termina or some other country? How about attacking Alitia for fun?
By the way, I'm tired of selling masks, can I join you? I've got transformation masks! *smiles crazily*
Ves
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Dear Ves,
I'm glad you ask.
To be perfectly honest, my most recent invasions of Hyrule have been LARGELY due to the amount of competition that has been generated by the Happy Mask Shop owner against me for "most horrific person to ever lay eyes upon." Even I must admit that, while he was screaming for his life trapped in his shop as I watched it burn to the ground, he was indeed an ugly fellow.
Unfortunately, that amazing success encountered some difficulty with apparent time-travel nonsensery that I never could quite my head around, so I was forced to fall back and admit a temporary defeat.
Lately, though, I've just been attacking Hyrule as a matter of principle. I mean, people have sort of come to expect it, you know? There really doesn't seem to be any reason not to attack, and, frankly, you know that if I don't, somebody else will. These legions of evil followers I have don't all obey me because of my charming good looks and amazing personality, as incredible as that may seem.
*blinks* Oh my...
Some of them just like laying siege to the castle. And, as you may be aware, in this day and age it can be hard to go back to school to further your education. For a lot of my people, attacking Hyrule is all they have ever known. If I were to direct my attentions elsewhere, it would just break their hearts. It'd be like abandoning a shepherd abandoning his flock, and I just can't do that.
As far as you 'joining me' goes, I don't know what you've heard, but Ganondorf don't swing that way. Transformation mask or not, what's beneath is what counts, and you ain't it. Besides, as the only genetically compatible male of my tribe, I've got more than enough attention to deal with without adding you to the list. The bottom of the list, for the record. Very bottom.
Also, if you see the pincess,please let her know I'll be seeing her in a week or so.
Don't worry about why. She'll know.
*gulps*...I've never been more afraid of Ganondorf in my life.
Sincerely, The sort-of-all-seeing-due-to-a-lot-of-free-time Really brooding and prone to anger, Yet very clear-complexioned and sometimes insightful, Ganondorf the Great and Mighty Esquire and Zelda (I'll let him take the lead this time *shiver*)
P.S., do you know if the shop beside your store has any of those vibrating bombchus in stock, yet? A lot of my people have been asking for them, and they're getting pretty upset about the whole lackage, here.
YES I AM!!
...
Dear Zelda,
Thank am you for helpining with identity crap of cruds. Me am and an am wantimginginginging to knowing ifitmititif who made Hyrule dictionary? Webster? Merriam Webster or Daniel Webster? Webster make webs too? Cobweb? Spider webs?
Mao Tse-tung
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Dear Mao,
Actually the person who came up with our Hylian dictionary was none other than the Lake Lab professor. He's a genius when it comes to everything. So yeah, he was the one that came up with that. Unfortunately I don't even understand half of the Hylian words he put in it. So it's become rather redundant.
I can't even understand him when he talks.
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
I don't think I've wrote to you in a while, other than that fanfiction I spen forever on. Have you ever read the comic "The far side?" I love it! Its warped humor fits me perfectly.
Orange Dae
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Dear Orange Dae,
It has been a while hasn't it? Nice to speak to you once again! I love the far side! I read them all the time on those lil calendars and stuff. Aren't they hilarious?! I laugh for hours!
I like the weiner dog art book. It was very...artsy?
Zelda and Marth
Dear Zelda,
I'm glad you had such a fun time at my party. one question, though: Link, why did you spit out the blimp's window at 1,900 meters? We didn't know until you left, but you hit one of our captains. Glad you had fun, though.
Your truly, Carl and the dudes at Team Hypnox (Still Crappy!)
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Dear Carl,
I apologize for Link's...ways. He tends to be bad when I take him places. Can't take the guy anywhere. I guess I'll have to start bringing a leash and collar from now on. *giggles*
Like you don't do that already. *hmphs*
Link with a collar?! *drools*
...Dear God.
Zelda Link Roy and Marth
Dear Zelda,
I'd like a new feather headdress. Phoenix feathers would be preferred, but if you can't find one, I'd like a mix of condor and parrot.
Your friend, Xel'Rixa
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Dear Xel'Rixa,
Lovely choice! I'm sure we can find tons of birds with such fabulous colors with their feathers! *eyes Link*
Yep! I'll get right to the cucco feather painting!
LINK!
Zelda and Link
Dear Zelda,
*Watches Marth be a Sexy Best* ....*Sigh*
Love, Acco(The Depressed Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
Acco!! No more being sad!!! Marth, that's it. You're gonna have to go on a date with her. AND perform a strip tease.
How did I get dragged into this?!
Because she ADORES you!!!
If it makes you feel better, I'll do it with you.
REALLY?!...I mean...*cough*..I guess if that works.
Zelda Marth and Link
Dear Zelda,
Don't you love a nice bowl of kitten soup to help you get up in the morning? Well, now to the point. Me and Headless Henderson have designed a new anchovie gun. It shoots salty fish at 50 kph at up to 200 meters. Imagine being hit by a slimy fish from 200 meters away. Cool, huh? Now I'm on a "Petty" crime spree!
Tiamat, Lord of the wastes, King of darkness, Master of evil, Hound of the resurrection, Slayer of the innocent, Devourer of Souls, Overlord of the Undead, Destroyer of Empires, Nightmare to all, Demon of Chaos, Supreme Rock Master, Bringer of Misery, Plague of Fear, Butcher of Hylians, Murderer of Hippies, Avatar of Fury, Walking Desecration, Embodiment of Desolation, Impaler of Peasants, Drinker of Innocent Blood, Pandora's Box, Pirate of Perversity, President of inequity, Vicious Dog of Doom, Prince of Despair, The Malicious Murderer, Archduke of Disaster, Creator of Malevolence, Phantom of Debauchery, Tyrant of Depravity, Ghoul of Horror, Fiend of Dread, Bane of the Living, Executor of The Angelic, Defacer of The Saintly, Chief of Obscenity, Director of Contamination, Terror of The Night, Amplifier of Catastrophe, Kaiser of Calamity, Assassinator of The Pure, Emperor of Hatred, Conveyor of Indecency, Beast of Annihilation, Ripper of Ruin, Gold Card Member of The Meter Room, Awakener of Wickedness, Hellspawn of Hades, Committer of Crime, Twister of many Skulls, Dictator of Death, Chairman of Notoriousity, Locust of Famine, Mantis of the Apocalypse, Fang of the Poison Tooth, The Forever Decapitator, Master of the disembowelment arts, Pyromaniac of Persecution, Headmaster of Oppression, Deceptor of Dawn, Necromancer of the Putrid, Ultimus of The Graveborn, Eater of the dead, Scion of Pestilence, Wraith of Havoc, Evil Eye of Agony, Praetor of The Pit, The Shrieking Shriveler, Archon of Agony, Evincar of Foulness, Lich of Mutilation, Crusader of Treachery, Apparition Injustice, Painbringer of Purgery, Keeper of The Void, Sadist of Lobotomy, Ranger of Misfortune, Overseer of The Tainted, Titan of Extinction, Beacon of Incineration, Firebeast of the Inferno, Muse of the Wicked, Penumbra of Betrayal, Juggernaut of Pain, Hydra of Dominance, Force of Indulgence, Stronghold of the Relentless, Legacy of Pandemonium, Shaver of Yaks, Vandalizing Drone, Lost but Seeking, Crusader for Injustice, Despiser of Law, Renewer of Abhorrence, Exploiter of Exploitation, Negator of Faith, Shaman of Ill-will, Fist of Destitution, Harasser of all he Surveys, Poker of Bunnies, Defiler of Flowerbeds, Defecator into Mailboxes, Urinator into Lemonade, Tipper of Cows, Mass suicide Leader of Lemmings, Stabber of Hearts, Gift giver of Trix to the Trix Bunny, Thief of Tiger stripes (Mainly Tony's), Biper of Human Intestine, Breathstealer of Embezzlement.
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Dear Tiamat,
And land yourself back in jail? Lovely. You realize that your titles have become longer than your emails themselves? I just noticed this.
He's compensating. *coughs*
Zelda and Link
Dear everyone,
I dare you to drink coke with your pop rocks! Will you die? Will you venture and try? Will your stomach explode? Or will you have to dump a big load?Maybe your head will blow up instead. Maybe you'll wind up dead. Ha ha ha. Now remember what I said, now drop dead, Fred!
Sicko Sammy
PS What are you? Scared? Buck buck buckock!
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Dear Sicko Sammy,
As if I would be scared. I'll have you know that I used to do that for FUN at parties! It's quite an experience, actually. You should all try it.
Let me have some!!!!
Don't let Marth watch. That man is starting to freak me out.
How ridiculous. You people are assuming too much! Pop rocks...How...childish. I'd rather see MUCH more! As if...
*throws up*
Zelda Ganondorf Roy Marth and Link
Dear, Zelda & Link
You know you love Link I mean come on you dream about him you want to have sex with him the whole shabangbang.
Link remember how you landed a kiss on her that once I mean COME ON!!!!!! There’s GOT to be some love in that…….
Weeeeeell Zelda tell me about that. I’ve got so many questions like are you real people or just some kids that love Zelda or just one dude in his basement. I love Acco she’s awesome well gota go bye. Sincerely, Gameboy
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Dear Gameboy,
Wow...it's GAMEBOY themself! Wow...Mr. Gameboy...it's been a pleasure working for you and everything. I can't thank you enough!
Link...that's a person.
Oh...
I never said I wanted to have sex with LINK! How crazy is that...Sure I let him kiss me and all, but that was nothing! I mean..It wasn't!
...
It was NOTHING??? *storms off crying*
Awww...look what you did. And of COURSE we're real people. With REAL feelings! *eyes Zelda*
Why don't you go make him feel better, Marth? *winks*
Roy's close to getting suspended again. Anyway...Sure I feel strongly for him and everything. But date him? I mean...I don't know...I really don't...though he is sweet, and very cute..and..well...*blush*
This is over!
Zelda Roy Marth and broken Link (HAR HAR GET THE PUN??)
Dear Zelda
Are you a lesbian. And how much were you around Impa.
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Dear Strange person,
I'm not a lesbian. Despite what many fanartists have depicted. I was around Impa most of my childhood. She was practically my nanny afterall. Every princess needs an attendant. Though I haven't seen her around lately. Except...around the fountain...*shift eyes*
Zelda
Have you ever had sex with link. I once saw a fan-art picture of the 2 of you when you were naked.
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This one doesn't even say who it's from! OR who it's to...though that's obvious. Yet again, fanartists have depicted otherwise. But on a standpoint of me for real? No..I've never had sexual relations with that Hylian.
Then WHAT Hylian?! WAS IT JOSH?! HUH????? *sniffles*
*pats Link on the back*
...
Zelda Marth and Link
Dear Zelda,
Oh no. I'll give you a new mint. I wouldn't want to take something from you. I just needed one. Why, I don't know. Ehe. Isn't it funny? I think its funny. Ehehe. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! *Stares at ceiling* Pills. And Vodka. Fun....
I don't know....I mean he....Well. he..he just.....Maybe....I don't think...but still.....WHY!!!!.... but he...he..........Hum.....
Love, Acco(The Kenshin obsessed girl)
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Dear Acco,
He who? I wish I knew what was going on. I think Acco's honestly gone over the deep end.
This is about ME isn't it?! I so didn't mean to do what I did!!!! whatever...it...was...
Maybe I'm not sexy enough of a beast....?
Pills and Vodka are -not- fun. Trust me. I saw Talon try that stuff once, almost stopped his heart, yo. Not a good thing at all. Malon almost killed me for daring him to do it.
...
Zelda Marth Malon and Link
Dear Malon,
Thank you helping me and my demon slayers the other day. Those herbs you gave us worked perfectly. Our wounds healed nicely. Some of my men owe you their lives. Just the other day, Ryan let slip the fact that you and him are dating. He said that you two went on a picnic together. Then he covered his mouth and said 'oh crap.' So, when DID you two start dating?
Tyler the Demon Slayer
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Dear Tyler,
You're more than welcome with the herbs. I figured you and your men needed them badly. And I'm very grateful for your gratitude and such. *smiles* Oh..Ryan? Yes, we did go on a picnic. But I didn't know that was a date. Oh my...*blinks*
Malon
Dear Zelda,
Make love to me.
--Link
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Dear Link,
...
That's SO not me! I'm not THAT persistant! Nor am I that obvious! Though...I do congratulate the guy on showing that he has a pair. Very nice...very nice...
...
Um...yeah. Heh..heh. You so should say yes to Link...ha ...ha..?
She's got that look in her eyes again...
Zelda Marth and Link
Dear Ganondorf,
And I thought Ryan was stupid. Do you even know the meaning of demon slayer? It is quite self explanatory. Demon slayer. I only kill demons. You got that snot-for-brains?! Besides, the only demons that I would not kill would be ones like Inuyasha. I would never work with them otherwise. I would have one of my demon slayers go after you, not a demon. And usually when I want somebody or something dead, I would kill it myself. I was thinking either you are a demon, or an abomination. I chose abomination. Smell you later.
Tyler the Demon Slayer
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Dear foolish mortal,
I know exactly what a demon slayer is. What I meant by what I said was that I'd crush you all like demons. I have a few sets of demons, you realize. And not all of them are my minions. I train on them as well. So if you have anything you wanna throw at me, just try it. I can -be- a demon, you realize. Have you never seen my incarnate?
-Ganondorf Lord of the Dark Realm
Dear Link,
Hey Link, would you be my friend since I am now enemies of Ganondorf? I hate his guts. He is an evil hearted basterd. Though, you already know that. He can just burn in hell.
Tyler the Demon Slayer
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Any foe of Ganondorf's is a friend of mine!
-Link
Keeper of Justice
Dear Zelda,
Now back to that that email I sent, oh and I hope this is how I email you because that be bad if it wasn’t cause all my friends are emailing you to. But any way I’m gonna be on your ass about how you and Link should get together or are you a les……
Waite I’m too much of a Nintendo fan to say such a thing. Forgive me T_T anyway Link do you …well…..ever remember your B-day same with the rest of you guys I’ve got nothing else to say well see ya.
Sincerely, Gameboy
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Dear Gameboy,
I would appreciate it if your friends signed their names at the ends of their letters. And would stop REFERRING to hentai pictures of me! It's not real I tell you! NOT REAL!!! Link and I getting together? Why does -everyone- want that? I mean honestly. We have nothing in common. Though you all think we do. Plus...he has interests in other things, I'm sure. Like...Malon or something.
Though she is a fox, she's not my type.
*slaps Link* Bastard.
Wow...she cusses and she doesn't get suspended. I cuss or say something like sh-
[Webmistress note: Roy has been suspended from answering emails for the next 3 days.]
Who didn't see that one coming...?
*rubbing his face* Regardless. She's not my type like I said. Zelda is more my type. And we do TOO share common interests. I mean...we both like fighting Ganondorf. Plus we like horseback riding. And archery! Hell YOU taught me how to use a bow and arrow!
*sigh* We'll continue this later. Practically all of our birthdays are around the same time. Same year, even. I mean we were all born in 85. Some in 86. I know Link's birthday is in April. And mine's in August. So yeah, there you have it.
Zelda Marth Suspended Roy Malon and Link
Dear Link,
I'll never make love to you. You complimented another guy's pair. Faghat.
--Zelda
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Dear "Zelda",
I don't know who you think you are by doing this! I don't answer myself! Though what you have said is rather funny. Heh..heh...faghat. That's quite the clever word.
I don't look at pairs! People look at MINE!!! *screams* MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!!! All the crotch shots! NOOOOOO!!!!
What...you mean this?
NOOOOOOOO!!!
*cackles*
Zelda and Link
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