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Dear Zelda,

Ok, I am sorry to hear Malon has gone. I am also sorry for hurting her feelings. I was only trying to embarrass the crap out of Ryan. When he found a picture of Mink, and he showed me, I kinda sorta went a little too far with my imagination. I made up all of that stuff about Ryan and Mink. So, I am deeply sorry for hurting Malon's feelings. Once you know me as good as Ryan does, I'm not such a bad guy. If you could tell Malon, if you can somehow get ahold of her, all of that? I'm not the kinda guy that would hurt innocent people's feelings for the fun of it. I have also found a successor for the leader of the demon slayers. I believe he will lead the demon slayers to well. So now I wander from place to place in hopes to gain more power. I have just absorbed the powers of an electro master and a master of light. I have also been studying the art of alchemy. I haven't gotten far in my studies, but I am working on it. I know I put my name as being obsessed with Kagome, but I am just deeply in love with her. I kinda went a little overboard on my name. So soon I shall be an alchemist. Now isn't that something? Ganondorf, I did not mean insulant like that. Well, actually I meant to say insolent. So you are an insolent fool. And I checked the Webster Dictionary for the meaning, so eat it you metal head piece of trash!

Tyler the Elemental Master

P.S. I got the metal head piece of trash off of one of the phrases that Sev says on Star Wars Republic Commando (it's a game).

----------

Dear Tyler,

Ganondorf is currently not at his office right now. I've been trying to contact him for the past five days because he had emails...several emails. When did he get so popular? Anyway, I'm sure Malon will forgive after a while. Though by now she may be hugging up with some country bumpkin over in Termina. So I can't guarantee she'll come back running into Ryan's arms. She seemed pretty steamed about this Mink person. And after seeing the picture, she decided to take up using a bow. I think that's another reason why she went to the Romani ranch as well.

Zelda

Dear Ganondorf,

I know how you feel about losing your tan, but I can't really help you out there. I kinda went snooping in Goldensun's house the last time I saw him, and I ah kinda found something that I shouldn't have. I know Roy would just enjoy himself to see what disturbing things I saw. Then he caught me and I haven't seen him in about six months. Ya know, guys like him don't forget things such as that very easily. And he doesn't like other people seeing his wife in the nude. Yes, that is what I saw. Now I am scarred for life. And Roy, don't even think of trying to get to her. Goldensun will kill you if you even try to do anything suspicious around her, if you know what I mean. So Ganondorf, I would help you if I could. But I guess I can't, sorry. Why don't you go to a tanning booth or something?

Tyler the Elemental Master

----------

What the fuck are you talking about?

Ganondorf

Dear Saria,

I was just wondering about his for a while. Before Link went off to Hyrule and stuff, did you and him, well, make out? Or, what Roy would probably say, did you two sleep together? Now I'm just curious, so don't get all mad and bite my head off for asking.

Tyler the Elemental Master

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Dear Tyler,

Now THERE'S a nice big can of worms to open. Yes, Link and I have slept together, but only in the most literal sense of the word. You see, as Link grew up, he was usually picked on by the other kokiri because he didn't have a fairy. I was the only one that didn't shut him out, and I was also the only one that tried to defend him. Because of all that, Link tended to follow me around like a lost puppy, since he didn't have anyone else to hang out with. He spent the night at my tree a lot because the others would throw things in his windows while he slept. Link told me almost every day back then how much he loved me, and that he never wanted to leave me and that he wanted to marry me.

But then when he started to mature a little -- and by mature I mean his physique ONLY -- the other kokiri girls started to take notice of his golden blonde hair... and those baby blue eyes peeking out from under it.. and... wait, what? But the other girls started flirting and tee-heeing at him, and needless to say Link got just a LITTLE arrogant. It seemed like I couldn't walk to the store without seeing him up on the roof with some bi-- ... some girl. I tried to point out to him that these girls were the same ones that tormented him just a couple years ago, but all he had to say was, "But they let me go to second base!"

So I asked the Great Deku Tree for advice on the situation. All he really told me was that I was only supposed to influence Link as his mentor, and that I couldn't control what he decided to do socially. That was when I started losing myself in the Lost Woods, just to get away from Link trying to be a playboy. I made myself stay cheerful around Link, because it was my job, but I rejected every pass he made at me (and there were a lot of them), because I respect myself enough to not settle for the leftovers of the other girls. But with my frequent absences in the village, Mido saw it as an opportunity to try to usurp me and claim the leadership role himself. I believe that was also when Mido started pursuing me... All of which I blame on Link.

When Link left the village, I'll admit I was a little concerned. At that point I still thought he was a kokiri, and while I was usually upset with him, I was still worried he would die. I was also bummed out because I had to give up my ocarina; I'd made that ocarina myself years ago, and because of my stupid destiny I had to give it up to a womanizing brat. Who, I later found out, got RID of mine in favor of another one from some other hussie. So much for sentiment! I was also worried, because I knew that this bad habit of his was going with him out into that big world, and I just knew he was going to lead a lot of other girls on and ultimately break their hearts. What does he have now? Three, four fiancés? Why doesn't he just change his name to Ranma already!! And I have no respect for these sluts who are wanting to marry him after knowing him for five minutes, anyway. Although I suppose it would be funny in a twisted way if, after they got married, they found out what a manwhore he REALLY is.

But hey, it's not like I'm bitter or anything. I just consider this a good opportunity for a PSA. So as a message to all you girls out there fawning over Link: Run. Just run the other way. He's not worth the heartache. Even with those rippling pecs he's developed.

Hey!

~Saria

Dear Roy;

Ok, I'm real bored right now so here's some questions.

1)Why PERFECTION?
2)Do you like Zelda?
3)Why do you wear a cape?
4)Why does Marth have blue hair?
5)Is Link your bestfriend?
6)Why is the earth round?
7)Why is the grass green?(I blame Kirby)
8)Is Marth a guy...or a girl?

-Royfan

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Dear devoted fan,

You're BORED and decide to write me?! You should always write. Clearly you're not as devoted as my other fans. They would be writing me all the time. And never get bored! Anyway, here's the answers to your questions:

1. I am perfection personified. Realize this and always address me as "Perfection that is Roy".
2. I get along with Zelda. She slaps me from time to time. We have a love/hate relationship. She's just jealous over all the fans and feels like she has to compete. It's alright, she knows that she's number one in my books.
3. I wear a cape because it looks cool. Capes are cool. Wear a cape and you shall be cool.
4. Because Marth is a fag.
5. He's not my best friend. He's Marth's. Because Marth is a fag.
6. It just is. It's how it was made. And probably has something to do with Marth being a fag.
7. Because it would look weird to be any other color.
8. Marth is neither. Because he's a fag.

There you have it. Solid gold answers. Love them. And send me more letters!

Roy

Dear Marth,

IF IT SUITS MY FANCY TO BE WITH A HALF DRAGON!! NOW WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN!!!!! SHES MY EX-GIRLFRIEND FOR SLIFERS SAKES!!!!! THATS IT I'VE HAD IT!!!!!! TYLER YOUR ASS IS GOING TO BE ABLAZE WHEN I SEE YOU AT SCHOOL!!! AND THEN YOUR NEXT MARTH, CAUSE I LOVE MALON MORE THAN MY LIFE ITSELF!!!!!!

From,
Ryan the pissed of dragon general

----------

Dear Ryan,

The princess had the same anger problems. I highly suggest the Happy Mask Shop man. He's quite the hypnotist. He'll make you think you've been at the beach all day. You'll feel quite relaxed, I assure you.

Marth

Dear Zelda,

The twisted hand of fate has swept one of your villains into a crevice of unreachable darkness. Hunt them down now, or face them when you are unprepared, and will fall like The Tower. Seek Strength in unnoticable places, and remember: that which grows without roots can not be uprooted.

Fortune Cookie, Gypsie, and Horoscope Reading

----------

Dear Fortune Cookie,

Great. The Ameoba has been swept into the storm drains at Lake Hylia again.

Zelda

Dear Zelda,

The doll I made out of your hair isn't as soft as I thought it was. Bummer.

Nobody

----------

Dear Nobody,

That's quite alright. It's probably because you've used Link's hair. His hair is much too rough from being a Hero. Try my hair. It's so silky smoothe, I promise you!

Zelda

Dear Zelda,

How often do you have to shave your legs?

Old Spicer

----------

Dear Old Spicer,

I used to have to shave everytime I got into the shower. Well, didn't -have- to. But it was recommended for nice smoothe legs. But ever since that incident where I got engulfed in flames from Link accidently setting off his Din's fire, I haven't had to shave since. I have practically no body hair. Lucky me?

Zelda

Dear Zelda,

Me am in hell! Mao not worry, though. Mao not supposed be here until Mao old as dirt. Hell look like am big toilet. Mao am metting yellow specter, amd yellow specter help Mao after am jam spear in Mao am eye. Yellow specter am saying sorry, and lake of fire fill with poop. Yellow specter fly Mao up porcelin hill to am toilet seat of ultimate doom. Mao jump down to floor, but am too highing up, so die horrible death again! Come back as zombie with mask with dog chewing at pancreas. Mao am wanting old body back. Can't type wellwith rotting fingers. Where am old body?Red eye man maybe already am having it still. Where am old body?

Mao Tse-tung (Still Zombie)

----------

Dear Mao,

Well it's nice to hear from you. In the afterlife or not. It's amazing where my letters come from. Regardless, I'm sure after a few thousand years of torment and suffering, you'll reincarnate into something decent. Maybe a dodongo or something. I can only hope the best for you Mao. Keep in touch!

Zelda

I pity da foo who doesn't answer my question!

Why so many people say "I pity da foo..." without my permission? That's copyright infringement! Copyright aint cool. I pay good money for all these gold chains, and I don't want nobody saying my lines. I pity da foo who say "I pity da foo.." without my permission!

Mr. T

----------

Dear Mr. T,

It's no different than when people got into the phrase "By Din!" I started that, and it was mine, damnit. Now Link and Marth and Roy and EVERYONE is saying it. Though I guess since we all originate from the same gaming company, it's alright. I guess it can be a company motto?

Zelda

Dear Zelda:

First off i would just like to say you are more beutiful than the rising sun. Anyway...I just sailed in from Middle Earth and I have a few questions here...How can an ocarina change the weather, and the time and stuff? Link can do this even with Saria's ocarina...Speaking of Saria, do you think her and Link are going out? What does your father look like? I mean you never see him! He's the king after all! Ok i am calm...Do you think my race (the elves) found Hyrule and then some how...some way...a new race came out to rule it?(I'm refering to the ears...no offence) Another thing...Why did someone put picture of you AS an angel when you ARE as beutiful as one!

Sincerly yours:

The elven prince Huro Miriel

p.s. did you like the orange tulips I sent you?

p.p.s.would you go out with me even once if I saved you?

p.p.p.s.I need to discuss royal matters wit your father...any tips on how to impress him enough to agree?

----------

Dear Prince Huro Miriel,

I'm quite flattered that you feel this way about me. By Din (copyright Zelda inc.) those are a lot of questions you have there! My ocarina has special powers, mind you. Of course of which they change time, take you places, change the weather, etc. And yes, Saria's ocarina does much of the same. But you must take this into account. She is also a sage. Part of my sages that have helped sculpt this land. So it's only obvious that she'd share almost the same powers as my own ocarina. Though I do say hers has a nice tune with the oak in her ocarina. I wonder if she ever got that back...I don't think Saria and Link are going out. Mostly because she considers him a backstabbing manwhore. Of course, most females do. He's such a player.

Yeah well, things in the past can change! Besides, I only want you baby! Can you please go out with me now? This fag is talking about you dating him if he saves you. I've saved you COUNTLESS times and I don't get any dates! SORRY IT'S NOT WORKING PAL.

My father was featured in a few shining moments during the entire lifetime that has been the "Legend of Zelda" games. Heck, he was even in the cartoon. Though I do say they did him no justice. But hey, that can be said for all of us. He was also in Wind Waker and in Minish cap. He's a stout man with a white beard. A grizzly look on his face. You wanna take a star and make him a cartoon, I'd say go with Sean Connery. Impressing him? I'd say be all rough and manly. Talk about saving the world a few times, and you'll get right to the heart.

I absolutely LOVED the tulips. Though I do recommend next time you send me lillacs. They are my favorite flower, afterall. That and tulips make Impa sneeze.

Zelda
and Link

Dear Link:

Your cool right? DUH! So can you set me and Zelda up on a blind date please? Oh and if you tell her I will send Sephiroth to kill you! Oh Marth by the by...If Link can't do this can you? Or Roy! Anybody! please! I beg of you!

Sincerly yours:

The elven prince: Huro Miriel

p.s.Link are you okay with this?

----------

You again?!

Look, guy. You're not just gonna waltz into the place and take the princess off. I mean c'mon now. I'm dealing with ENOUGH of that. Vaati, who turned her to STONE is trying to hook up with her. So she's got enough problems to deal with.

Link is just an angry man, Prince. I apologize for his behavior. I'd be more than happy to help you with the princess. At least then Link will fully be availa-...I mean, Link won't be so crazy anymore.

FAG FAG!! MARTH YOU'RE A FAG!!!

[Webmistress note: Roy has been banned for five days from answering questions.]

Link
Marth
and suspended Roy

Dear Link,

I made a statue of you out of chocolate. It melted yesterday though. If you sent me a picture of you, I could make another!

Soul Sculptor

----------

Dear Soul Sculptor,

It's a shame you didn't freeze it or something. Though you are late now. I was wanting to send that to Zelda for Valentine's day. THANKS for the late reply! *sighs* Services...

...

Zelda
and Link

Dear Zelda,

I checked out your forum, and all the people there sucked! No ones nice, and I'm not going there again!

Chocolate Dragonfly

----------

Dear Chocolate Dragonfly,

I do admit that the people at my site can be a bit touchy...

...

You didn't talk about chocolate, did you?

Zelda

Dear Marth,

For crying out loud, are there 3 or 5 stones on your tiara?

Paul #6

----------

Dear Paul #6,

You're wrong either way. I only have one stone. See? *adjusts his tiara*

Marth

Dear Zelda,

Zuchinni bread or Banana bread?

Breadmaster III

----------

Dear Breadmaster III,

Do I really have to choose? I guess if I had to choose only one of these, I'd pick the Zuchinni...I'm just so partial to deku berry...

Zelda

Dear Zelda,

What would you do if 800 pounds of feces fell on you while touring a lake?

Crapmaster Crappy

----------

Dear Crapmaster Crappy,

I'd cry...I'd honestly cry...

Though I do feel like it all the time answering a good deal of letters that have no point to them whatsoever. (No I'm not talking about you.)

Zelda

Dear Zelda,

I've got a series of questions for you:

Spite or Malice?
Assault or Battery?
Stand or Deliver?
Pain or Suffering?
Wax or Wane?
Day or Night?
Illusion or Reality?
Life or Death?
Order or Chaos?
Fire or Ice?

Yours Truly,
Quiet, Cunning, Angry, Sylvan, Centaur From Prison Monastary #8

----------

Dear Centaur,

Spite
Battery all the way
Stand
Pain
Wax?
Night :3
Reality, yo
Life
Order
Fire

There. Clean, cut, and all under control. I like that in a letter.

Zelda

Dearest of dear Zelda:

Alright it's me again...But I just want to say I don't have near as many posts as Acco and Mao! Now to get down to buissness: Ahem...I would just like to warn Link and Marth; You guys are being hunted by my evil reincarnation Sephiroth...And another thing Zelda... *Breaks through glass window dips Zelda and kisses her on the lips and escapes through the window befor Zelda can slap him*
...I'm still not in love with you! -_-'

Huro Miriel

----------

Dear Huro Miriel,

*blinks for a moment* Alright, where are my guards?

RIGHT HERE! *pushes his sleeve up* Why I outta...

Zelda
and Link

[Webmistress note: The pictures take a while to load because DeviantART is an extremely slow-loading site. So if you have no patience whatsoever, I'd suggest skipping over this question.]

Dear Everybody,

Zelda: Are you in love with Vaati? Come on girl, admit it! Also, I on the Oekaki too! ^o^ I set one special poll, and I want you to see it! Also, isn't this scary? http://www.deviantart.com/view/5932153/. It's 100% not mine, and I don't want it to be.

Marth: Are you sure that you're just friends with Zelda? Faore told me that you two practally made out anywhere! She even have pictures too. ^.^

Link: Hi!! Do you remember me? I'm the person named Somebody on the Oekaki. I'm still saying that you're not straight. Also why don't you and Vaati settle your fight by playing strip poker? The one who loses all of their clothes, is the loser.

Roy: Please Appear on the Oakaki! I need somebody to help me torture... uhhh,,,,,,, I mean..... embarrass Link and the others. It'll be fun.

Malon: Explain this. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/15310068/. Also this picture is 100% not mine. I can never draw anything right.

Ganondorf: Explain this to me. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/11732456/ And This. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/11650909/. And This. http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/11650851/ Also, is this true? http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/10705384/. Don't own these pictures. And I don't want to since they burn my eyes. -.-

With Insanity,
InsanityForAll

P.S. Link, if you're straight, then what's this! http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/3903717/ And this! http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/3142387/. And this! http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/11518825/. Also I own none of these pictures. And I don't want to.

----------

Dear InsanityForAll,

All of those pictures are...quite disturbing. I don't see Link trying to kill Roy or Marth either. I mean, sure they had an issue over strip poker one night and Link pulled out his sword on Roy, but that wasn't really anything to worry about. Then there was the fight over old maid -_-'.

I KNEW that Roy was cheating! He kept saying that he didn't have this or this card. The guy slides cards! HE SLIDES THEM!

I think your younger side was more cooperative with playing old maid than you were. *eyes him intently* Yes I'm just friends with Zelda. Look, we wouldn't work out. For one, our kids would end up with green hair. I mean do the genetics here. That and she's constantly got Vaati and Link to deal with. I don't think she's ready for so many men in her life.

...I thought everyone knew me and Zelda banged? Hah, I kill me.

Zelda
Marth
Ganondorf
and Link

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